What's Your Story?
When I was studying to be a coach, I was introduced to a book called, Taming Your Gremlin.
No, it is not a manual for those who have mythological pets. Rather it addresses all of us who have that voice in our head that says things like, “you can’t…,” “you’re not…,” or “you should.” Despite the fact that the voice is likely disparaging, we have a tendency to listen and believe what it says. We are believing that story as if it were fact.
Belief. That is the key here.
You may have heard the quote by Henry Ford that goes, “whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.” Fortunately, because we have the ability to learn and change we can change our beliefs. We can create new “mindsets.” Our mindsets are beliefs that determine how we deal with life and make choices.
Do you feel like your brain is holding you back? Or, maybe, it’s not that obvious. Have you ever felt like no matter what you cannot get past this certain place? That is still your mindset – that little voice telling you that you cannot do better. If you want to make changes in limiting mindsets, the first step is to recognize that there is a self-limiting story that’s running the show. The next step is to consider re-writing the story.
Yes. You can do it. It takes practice to get the new story to take hold but it’s worth it. For example if you have a story that you “have to” do something and you find yourself resisting, try thinking that you “get to” do it. Or when you hear yourself thinking “I failed miserably with…” how about thinking, “I learned what works and what doesn’t so I can do things differently the next time.”
On the other hand, “Argue for your limitations and sure enough they’re yours.” Said Richard Bach in Jonathan Livingston Seagull. You’re so much better than that.
Why play small when you can fly?
To-Do, or Not To-Do
Is your To-Do list the bane of your existence? Or is it an effective time management tool? Those of us list-makers find that writing things down can alleviate possible memory issues, such as going to the market and leaving without the most important item, or packing for a trip to a beachside resort and discovering you forgot to pack a swim suit.
But some people personify the To-Do list and hear it relentlessly nagging with “you should…” or “when are you going to...” If you have a list with countless items and you don’t begin because you don’t know where to begin, you are likely to have thoughts like that run through your head.
Why not find ways to effectively manage your to do list?
- Categorize items
- Prioritize items in each category according to things like due dates
- Estimate roughly how much time, and when you can realistically attend to the high priority tasks
- Schedule them in your calendar as appointments
If you still feel that your To-Do list is more like the Grim Reaper constantly hovering over you than a helpful reminder of what you’d like to get done, how about a Not-To-Do list?
In her article “To-Do Lists are Great but Do-Not-Do lists Might Be Even Better for You,” Caroline Liu argues that a Do Not Do list lets you dump (or limit) the things that are keeping you from what’s really important. This list makes you look at all the things that you do do in your day and say, “this is not worthy of my time, I’m not going to do it any more.”
The key thing is to NOT. DO. THEM. ANY. MORE.
Busy Doing What?
Nobody is too busy; it’s just a matter of priorities. Laura Vanderkam has an eye-opening TED talk on this subject.
What if you could be in charge of designing your days by creating a time budget? You know how to budget your money, right? If you have a regular paycheck and you’re aware of your monthly income, presumably, you know how much goes to rent/mortgage, utilities, food, transportation, etc., and what might remain for saving or random spending. And if you don’t have a regular paycheck, then you really have to budget to stay on top of things.
How about applying the same principles to your calendar? Realistically, how much time can you/must you devote to work? To health? To taking care of your home? To your family, friends, community? You can use your calendar to block time for your priorities in each area. Some things will be high priority items, some medium, and some low. You want to commit to the high priorities as much as is realistically possible. It also makes sense to have both cushions and flexibility. For example, include travel times for appointments, and padding for things that run longer than intended.
Sometimes the best laid plans…, so when that happens consider rescheduling as an option. When something unexpected happens – maybe you get a flat tire on the way to your workout class – look for a place later in the week when you can get a different workout in, and make sure to put it in your calendar.
Of course, a portion of your time needs to be spent creating your time budget and updating it daily. Schedule that too. And pay attention to how long things really take so that you can improve your time budgeting skills.
Three Tips for Managing Holiday Madness
Have you noticed that the winter holidays are starting earlier each year?
Even as days grow shorter and colder, calendars are filling up with all kinds of festive events and obligations. While our wallets aren’t getting any fatter, marketing for the “big” winter holidays is inescapable. We’re bombarded with ads and invitations to buy, buy, BUY. A whirlwind of parties, shopping, eating, and visiting families engulfs us. It all takes an emotional toll even as they allege good times.
Most creatures practice some form of hibernation during the winter months. In contradiction to nature, we humans rev up the action. You can protect yourself from the physical and emotional stress by following these simple steps:
- Learn to say no. It’s not mandatory to:
- do everything (Try, “Oh, jeez. Looks like I’m already committed then.”)
- see everyone (The above idea can work on this one, too.)
- eat whatever is offered (Choose what you really, really want and go for small amounts.)
- If you’re experiencing the anniversary of a loss in November or December, give yourself time to grieve.
- Try going a week without the newspaper, television, or social media... okay a day. A vacation from advertising and news can make a big difference in how you feel.
But if, for whatever reason, the season gets you down…don’t be afraid to see a professional. Help is always available. If I can’t help I’ll do my best to provide qualified referrals.
The Upside of Failing
Did you know -- At age 23 Oprah was fired from her first reporting job? Or that Stephen King was working as a janitor and living in a trailer when he was 24? How about this fun fact-- at 28, J.K. Rowling was a single parent living on Welfare. And finally, Def Jam Records dropped Lady Gaga after three months. She went on to earn six Grammy awards and thirteen MTV Video Music awards!
Microsoft co-founder, Bill Gates famously said, “it’s fine to celebrate success, but more important are the lessons of failure.” The key word here is lessons.
Lessons mean you get to look at your intention, review what worked, what didn’t and then make adjustments. Failing at anything, from eating a big dessert three days into a new diet to writing a report that you discover is missing a paragraph only after it goes to print, means you get to learn how to make future attempts get more pleasing results.
This is lots of what we do in coaching. We shape behaviors so improvement is constant.
Do Olympians Have Better Brains?
You bet! Numerous studies have shown that exercise not only improves cognition but also helps brain cells regenerate.
So what does this mean for you? Walking, swimming, bicycling and other forms of aerobic exercise will not only help you look and feel mighty fine, but improve your memory, processing speed and executive function now and for years to come.
You already know that positive habits and routines help you function more effectively. So scheduling regular, daily exercise…even ten minutes on a stationary bike or treadmill every morning… can boost your brain better than chugging some java and give you a better brain over time.
If you’re already going, “yeah but” followed by your lack of time or some other excuse (I mean reason) then consider parking your car farther from location destinations, taking stairs rather than elevators, or some other creative way to get the moves in.
Check out a recent Scientific American article for some eye-opening details:
www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-does-exercise-benefit-cognition/
Talk to me about replacing "bad" habits with ones that are beneficial.
Three Tips to Avoid Late Fees
Do you ever procrastinate on paying bills? Solutions exist.
The List
First make a list of all your monthly bills and their general due dates. Note that some may be due weekly, while others are monthly or quarterly. Some bills will usually have due dates early in the month while others will be due later in the month. Organize your bills in the order that they need to be paid.
Pay Date versus Due Date
This is a place where lots of people screw up. Whether you pay electronically or send in a check, there is a time span between when the payment is made and when it arrives. If you pay online, your bank will usually have a note as to how many days it takes for the money to be transferred. If you put a check in the mail it could be anywhere from two days to who knows when. Scheduling pay dates a week before due dates is generally a safe bet.
Alert, Alert
If you’re income varies, have you noticed that institutions don’t like it when you try to pay a bill with money that doesn’t exist? Alerts can help with this. With online banking you can set alerts to send you an email with your balance daily or weekly. They can also let you know when a check posts, when you have a low balance threshold, and more. This is great information whether you are paying all your bills yourself or using automatic deductions to handle the job.
Finally, tips are only good ideas without implementation. So schedule a chunk of time in your calendar each week to be used for bill pay. Make it an appointment. If something that feels more urgent comes up, make sure to reschedule to a time within 24 hours.
Time Will Tell - Tools that Organize your Thoughts & Time
Do any of these sound familiar?
- You have a great idea in the shower and then forget it by the time you’re dressed.
- A task you thought might take an hour actually takes three.
- You sometimes get so caught up in one thing that you’re late for something else.
- Prioritizing your schedule to address all your To Do’s feels impossible.
Solutions exist. I like things to be simple and easy to use so these three tools have passed muster. They are Aqua Notes, Time Timer, and Planner Pads.
www.myaquanotes.com says, “If you find that some of your best ideas and insights are generated in the tranquility and solitude of the shower...then AquaNotes® is for you! These waterproof notepads help you capture and preserve your ideas before they're forgotten!” The 40 sheet, refillable pad suctions to your shower wall and even comes with matching pen.
www.timetimer.com has a line of timers, watches, and applications that helps you stay on track. Set the amount of time you want to spend on a specific task and have a bright visual of the time gradually elapsing so you know when you’re getting to the finish.
www.plannerpads.com has both paper and electronic easy-to-use systems that help you organize, prioritize, and schedule in ways that make sense.
Even the websites are user friendly. Check them out. Let me know if you start using any of them and tell me about your experience.
Who’s in Your Head and Why Are They So Negative?
If you had a friend who consistently said things to you that made you feel small, things that were damaging to your self-esteem, would you maintain the relationship?
What if that so called “friend” was an ever-present voice in your head? You know, it’s the one that says things like, “what’s the use?” “why bother?” “you’ll never…,” “you’re not good enough,” “no one understands you,” “you don’t deserve…, “you should….” Sound familiar?
I bet it does.
The thing is, as limiting and disparaging as those voices are, we tend to listen to them.
What if you didn’t?
Recognize that there are any number of positive and supportive options available at any time. No need to argue with the negative voice. Just thank it for its opinion and give yourself permission to recognize that you do deserve to have, be and do what’s important to you, that you can make mistakes and still be okay, that it might take a number of attempts to get t--hings the way you want them to be and that perfection need not be necessarily be required.
One caveat—that little voice never actually goes away, but you can definitely learn to ignore it.
Are You Ready to Take a Stand for What You Say You Want?
There’s a life changing concept I want to share with you. It’s based on a line in the 1976 movie, Network. In it, the news anchor rants to the television audience, “Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!'”
Maybe you’re not quite mad as hell, but perhaps there are things in your life that you’re tired of, frustrated with, given up on. Maybe you think you “should” do something, but you haven’t done anything yet and you don’t have a plan.
Things don’t change just because it would be nice if they did. And you’re not necessarily going to do something differently just because it’s a good idea. But if you’re ready to take a stand for what you want to do, or be or have and commit to that…well.
John Assaraf said, “If you’re interested, you’ll do what’s convenient; if you’re committed, you’ll do whatever it takes.” Yes, change might be a bit of a challenge. So what. Lance Armstrong put it well when he said, “Pain is temporary, quitting is forever.”
So I challenge you to take a stand for yourself. Use this quote by Paul J. Meyer as your affirmation. “Whatever you vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe, and enthusiastically act upon must inevitably come to pass.”
Here’s how it works. First, you imagine yourself doing, having or being what you say you want. Want it so bad that you have that commitment to do whatever it takes. Make sure you truly believe you can make that happen, and that you deserve it. Finally, create a plan and work it. Work on it every day. Get support if you need it. Do it.
The Last Newsletter You’ll Ever Read
Okay, this is not a promise. It’s more of a thought exercise.
What motivates you to read newsletters?
Do you look forward to useful tips, new information, special offers, upcoming events?
Do you open and read all the newsletters that arrive?
Do you anticipate the arrival of any of them?
Do you delete any unread?
I don’t know your situation, but I receive newsletters from people I barely know as well as from colleagues. Reading takes time and for most of us, our time is valuable.
There are three newsletters I read every time. Invariably they contain information I can use. A few others are interesting to me on occasion and I briefly scan them. And for the rest…there is a link at the bottom of every newsletter that lets you “unsubscribe.” (I hope I’m not shooting myself in the foot here).
So if time management is a concern for you, deciding how you can best use your time is important. If you are already using your calendar and focusing on your priorities (some of you know these are your “big rocks”) when and where do activities like reading newsletters fit for you? Deciding what’s important is important. If the information or education that arrives in a newsletter could have value, great. Look at your schedule and see when you have some time you can set aside for reading.
My intention is to provide a useful tip to you every month, along with a notice or two. If there’s something you’d like, please let me know. My goals is to give you information and tools you can implement.
Newsletter tips not enough? Contact me for that complimentary coaching session I offer.
Now Where Did I Put My...?
Does this ever happen to you? You’re carrying a few bags of groceries from the car to the house. Later that day, you’re in a hurry to leave again and your keys are nowhere to be found.
There are only so many things you can fully attend to at a time. When you’re engaged in a conversation, or have ten things on your mind something as “trivial” as where you set something down may shoot right past your short term memory.
My uncle Leon would have his glasses pushed up on top of his head. After looking all over the house for them, he’d offer me a quarter if I could find them for him. Easiest quarters I ever made. Like Leon, everyone misplaces things from time to time-you put your keys in your pocket because you’re carrying a few bags, hang up your jacket and later wonder where your keys are, or put the remote control down to get a snack then return and cannot find the darned clicker.
Two solutions:
1. Create places where you always (okay almost always) put certain items, like keys, phone, wallet, shoes. It’s kind of like having the address for them. Once you develop the habit, chances are you’ll find your items where they belong.
2. Calm down. For when you don’t put things where they belong, even if you’re in a rush, stop. Sit down. Close your eyes and breathe. Think about what you were doing when you last had the item. Recreate your steps. Do this as calmly as possible.
How do you decide where something “belongs” anyway? Where is the first place you generally look for the item? If there isn’t some place that seems obvious, pick a place a build the habit. I have a client who has to know where her keys are even if she cannot find anything else. Whenever she moves, the first thing she does is decide where “that place” is going to be for her keys. Even when she comes into the house with arms full of groceries, her keys always seem to land in their place.
Have you ever put something important in a safe place and then forgotten just where that place is? Again, having a special safe place that you use all the time can make a huge difference. Trust me. I still haven’t found two - hundred dollar bills I put safely away last fall.
Is Your Imagination “Running Away with You”?
Does this ever happen to you?
There’s something important you need to do but you’re putting it off because you’re thinking doing it will be difficult or unpleasant in some way? Strangely, it seems to be easy to imagine the “worst case scenario” as the likely outcome.
That story in your imagination is powerful enough to keep you from doing something you actually need to do. The Temptations understood this, as you may remember from this lyric:
“A cozy little home out in the country with two children, maybe three.
I tell you, I can visualize it all. This couldn't be a dream, for too real it all seems.
But it was just my 'magination, once again.
Running away with me.”
Since what you imagine can seem so real, why not practice imagining positive experiences and outcomes? Here’s one way to do that. Let’s say your task involves getting your financials ready for your tax preparer. You might have slogged through this task in past years and found it tedious. So you are imagining this time being grim and you just aren’t enthusiastic about starting.
The solution is imagining the task being more of an interesting challenge – something you can get involved in and make timely progress, and then feel a satisfying sense of accomplishment. Perhaps think about the benefit of doing the work.
“Oh sure,” you may be thinking. “Fat chance I’d buy into that.” No problem. The positive thoughts create what’s called cognitive dissonance, an inconsistency. Now your brain can recognize a choice.
Think of how you’d increase the appeal of doing the work. Consider what’s in it for you to complete the task, how you’ll feel when you do. It’s your imagination so you can enhance the experience in any way you want. Step into that picture and claim it as real.
The more you start thinking positive, the easier things become.
Need more tips? Check out the Artful Coaching Facebook page.
Unconscious Incompetence into Conscious Competence
You know the scenario. It’s a new year and you want to make some changes. Maybe you want to lose weight, or make more money, or be more organized. These are all good starting thoughts to help you set some specific goals. Yet, despite your best intentions, these goals may not come to fruition.
Henry Ford said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” This is because habit is the main ruler of our thoughts and behaviors, and once something becomes a habit, it’s unconscious. To change the default behavior, the default habits take some undoing.
You know how when you repeatedly walk the same way through a field, the grasses flatten out and you create a get a path? A similar thing happens in your brain. Basically, you have to create a new “path” in your brain and let the grasses grow back to cover the old one.
Here’s how. First, decide what habits will help you reach and maintain your goals. Example: you want an organized office. A new habit might be to spend a few minutes putting things away after when you finish a task. You know, filing the paper AND putting the file back in the drawer. You might need to make a sign to remind you, or…you might want to work with a coach.
It takes work to create the new habits needed to change the paths in your brain; once you do, though, you will step from Unconscious Incompetence into Conscious Competence.
ADHD Myths and Facts
Are you or is someone you know described by the following symptoms?
Procrastination - You have every intention of getting something done in a timely fashion, but wait until the last minute when you feel the urgency.
Lack of Focus – For most tasks, you seem to have too many thoughts at one time to focus on just one thing and for any length of time.
Chronic Lateness - Even with the best intentions, you are chronically late.
Underachievement - You know you are smart, yet others seem to move ahead so much quicker and with much less effort.
Difficulty Paying Attention – You think you’re paying attention but find you’ve drifted off onto a tangent, a daydream, or something that catches your eye.
Impulsive - You may blurt things out, interrupt or jump to conclusions.
Trouble Getting Started - Once you get started, you get things done, but you waste a great deal of time thinking about it and not getting started.
Easily Irritated by Small Talk - You want to connect to people, but listening to mundane topics causes your heart and mind to race with thoughts of getting away from them so you can think about more important things.
Chronic Chaos - You desire order and organization in your life, but it seems like you are always losing things, or overwhelmed by stuff.
With Coaching You Can:
• Learn how to set goals, stay on task and organize in a way that works for you
• Create systems and structures that are a comfortable fit for you
• Develop new habits that give you the results you want
• Know what to do when you feel paralyzed or overwhelmed
• Acquire and improve social skills and learn how to handle emotions
• Have an ongoing, helpful partner to hold you accountable for taking the steps towards your goals.
Myths and Facts about ADHD
FAQ
How to get Started
Pop Up Thoughts
You know the scenario:
You’re in the shower, just got into bed, or out walking your dog and you think of an important appointment you need to make; or something you forgot to do; or that you want to call your mother/brother/best friend. These “must do” tasks are popping in at random times most likely because, A) you didn’t write them down in an appropriate spot, or B) you did write them down, but let them get pushed aside by other tasks or thoughts.
Having daily and weekly tasks lists, and using them, makes getting thing done in a timely fashion so much easier.
Here’s one way to go about it:
• At the beginning of each week, jot down the necessary tasks for the various areas of life—your home, health, work, family, and so on.
• Consider if the item is a project that can be broken down into smaller tasks. If it can be:
• Decide if the tasks are one-time actions, like dropping off cleaning, or require greater frequency such as responding to business calls.
• Prioritize the tasks by how important each is to accomplish on a given day or week, especially if a task is one step toward completion of a project with a due date.
• Look at your calendar. (You do use one, right?)
• Find appointment free spaces each day and plug in the tasks for the day at those times.
• At the end of the day, review your calendar and update your task list for subsequent days.
Learn from your task list. What got done? What didn’t? Do same things get pushed aside regularly? If you find you are continually avoiding tasks and carrying them over, that is a different issue.
Feel free to contact me for ideas and support.