The Problem with Perfect
The law of diminishing returns states that at a certain point adding more effort will actually decrease output.
So how do you know how far to go on a project before deciding that it’s “good enough?” When is good enough “good enough?”
Perhaps good enough is what is done within a specified time frame, or by a particular date. There’s another law known as Parkinson’s law that says, “work expands to fill the time available for its completion.”
(Actually, the same law applies to stuff. An example is the limited parking and tiny garages in San Francisco. The garages have just enough room for a car and those who have a garage, park in it. In the suburbs where there may be two- or three-car garages, you might find the car in the driveway as the garage holds a ping pong table, bicycles, washing machine, and more.)
Perfect is difficult to define. One person’s perfect is another’s so-so, or even eh. Voltaire said, “perfect is the enemy of good”; what are you sacrificing when you give up being satisfied with good? And what is the cost to span the gap from good to perfect? I’m willing to bet that the difference in quality is not worth the price to your wallet and/or peace of mind.
If you’re currently working towards “good” perhaps I can help. Feel free to reach out.
-Sydney Metrick
What, Me Worry?
There’s a good chance that your worry and anxiety have gone up a few notches this past year. In addition to the overwhelm you may experience in your personal life, we have a pandemic in an election year, and terrible things happening climate-wise in various parts of the country and the world.
Though you still may take action to make a difference, there’s only so much you can do on a grand scale. Your greatest power lies in your personal life, where you can change YOUR beliefs and YOUR habits around dealing with everything that is going on.
Unfortunately, some of the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what you can truly achieve come from misguided attempts to keep you safe. Based on fears and insecurities your inner saboteur will say, “you can’t,” “you’re not,” “you shouldn’t” and flood you with feelings that prevent you from doing and being what’s important for you.
When you repeatedly tell yourself something is difficult, you don’t have time, or anything that diminishes you, it becomes your reality. To create a different reality, interrupt that inner saboteur and tell yourself something different.
Catch yourself. Change your words. Change your story. Start to change your life.
Need help? Here I am.
-Sydney Metrick
Designing an Uncertain Future?
Have you heard anyone talk about “when things return to normal” or possibly “we are moving to ‘a new normal’”? Normal is defined as usual or typical.
Normal is a problematic concept in a number of ways because it is “in the eye of the beholder” and influenced by other problematic concepts like:
- Habits
- Self-concept
- The future
When you do or think something repeatedly over time it becomes a habit. You may recall the four-step grid for developing a new habit. It starts with the awareness that what you are doing isn’t working for you in the present. That’s Unconscious incompetence. Working on a new behavior can be challenging—conscious incompetence. As the new behavior begins to become a regular activity it’s conscious competence. Finally, it’s so ingrained that you become unconsciously competent. With habits, normal is generally unconscious.
Your self-concept is tied to beliefs and habits. You hold beliefs about yourself that influence your actions. As your actions or behaviors change your image of yourself shifts. How you previously saw the way you were as normal for you might be quite different with new behaviors.
Your future exists in your imagination. We also have collectively imagined futures, like space colonies and cures for diseases. These imaginings can become goals and perhaps come to pass. But you never really can predict what, if, or when.
The “solution” for your definition of normal is to imagine what you’d realistically like life to look like over the next months, or years, and do what you can to make that happen.
-Sydney Metrick
Failing Successfully
Did you know that failure is an “Essential Prerequisite” to success? At least, that’s what scientists who studied a massive amount of data concluded and Scientific American reported on.
Chances are you’re familiar with Kentucky Fried Chicken, now known as KFC. Did you know that Colonel Harland Sanders, the Kentucky Colonel whose face graces every “finger lickin’ good” bucket of chicken, was nearly a lifelong failure? At age 65 he took a stand for his famous chicken recipe and was rejected by over 1000 restaurants before it finally sold. The rest, as they say, is history.
Jim Carrey, J.K. Rowling, and Oprah Winfrey are others who experienced failure and hardship before making it. It wasn’t luck that brought them to their successes. Success comes from several factors: learning from what works and what doesn’t, making corrections, and committed perseverance. You may have previously read one of my favorite quotes by John Assaraf, “If you’re interested, you’ll do what’s convenient; if you’re committed, you’ll do whatever it takes.”
Failure gifts us with lessons and direction. Make sure your failures don’t lead you to a seat on the pity pot. When an attempt fails, figure out how and why, don’t be afraid to ask for support, and try again. That’s something else those scientists realized, success became more likely – and came more quickly – to those who got right back to work. That seat on the pity pot is more than unproductive, the longer you sit on it the more likely your next attempt is also going to fail.
Re-Evaluating
This past Fall we said goodbye to California and moved to Mexico. Oh, and got married, too. For a person like myself with ADHD, the amount of details was overwhelming. Ordinarily, I would have said there is no way I could manage all the research involved with selling most of our possessions and our house, getting visas, planning a drive, and all the other details.
Yet, I did it.
We had decided to make this move a while ago, and now was the time. I gave up what I thought I was capable of and did what I needed to make the decision a reality.
Mexico is wonderful. But it is very different from California. Plus, we had to discover places to shop, eat, get things fixed. We needed to find doctors, dentists, lawyers, and friends. Think all that was challenging? Really, not so much. I know I am more capable than I thought I was. I can do without some of the things I thought were necessary (like Trader Joe’s), and I can learn just about any new thing with time and practice.
Perhaps you are holding some limiting stories about your capabilities and options based on your past or other people’s opinions.
The new year is a good time to re-evaluate your life. What from 2017 do you want to let go of? What will you develop further?
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anaïs Nin
- Sydney Metrick
Wouldn’t it be Nice if…
Let’s play a game. It’s called “Wouldn’t it be nice if…”
Here’s how to play-- think of something specific you want to do, have, or be. Add that to the framework. For example, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I got eight hours of sleep,” or “Wouldn’t it be nice if it was easy for me to prioritize.”
Sure, there are some things that would be nice … winning the lottery, finding the fountain of youth, having a chauffeur. But those may be just a bit beyond your reach. However, sufficient sleep or being able to prioritize are totally doable. That is if you really want them and are ready to make it happen.
John Asseraf said, “If you’re interested you’ll do what’s convenient; if you’re committed, you’ll do whatever it takes.”
Sometimes it’s easier to know what you don’t want than what you do want. So get clear about what you really want. Can you imagine being the person who does what it takes to have what you say you want?
- Do you believe you can have it, that you deserve to have it?
- Do you really want it or just think it would be nice?
- Finally, are you ready to do whatever it takes?
Let’s look at your answers:
- If the answer to #1 is “not sure” or “no” you might want to start smaller and work your way up to your bigger, ultimate goal.
- How about #2? Do you think you “should” want to do, have, or be whatever you have in mind? For example, you have friends with new cars and you have an old Toyota that you actually love, but wonder what kind of statement it makes about you. I am anti-should, so don’t let others tell you what you feel. On the other hand, it never hurts to get an outsider’s opinion on how your image is impacting your reputation.
- Number #3 is easy. If you’re ready, it’s good to have support. Here’s where I can help. As a coach, I help you clarify your goals, create realistic action plans, schedule the steps, work through obstacles, and get results.
Thoughts Impact Our Feelings and Actions – Steps to help shift overwhelm
Guest Blog
- Bowbang Feng, LMFT
“I always mess it up! I never get it right!”
“I’m making progress. It’s easier when I break it down it to smaller steps.”
When you read those two sentences how do you feel? Thoughts like these may be helpful at times and lead to positive feelings and effective coping; or, strong negative thoughts can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, or overwhelm.
Many non-linear thinkers develop patterns of negative thinking and have a strong internalized critical voice. Negative thoughts are typically based on irrational beliefs or cognitive distortions. These beliefs are often things we may have been told by others or by society. See if any of these sound familiar. Most of us do these sometimes.
Examples include:
- all-or-nothing thinking, which gives rise to perfectionism
- The belief that it has to be perfect or it has no value, and you failed. This can lead to procrastination, worry, and frustration.
- selective attention to negative events or outcomes (and overlooking positive outcomes)
- It’s hard to hold on to the positives when it feels like the negatives are so huge and overwhelming. We overlook the positives as if they weren’t true.
catastrophizing, believing that it would be a catastrophe if something does or does not occur
- Imagining all the horrible things that might or might not happen and projecting them into the future. This can lead to being in a state of flight, fight or freeze – perceiving a constant threat.
- personalization, seeing oneself as the cause of some negative external event for which one is not, in fact, primarily responsible. This often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety.
- My partner is upset…it must be my fault.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy offers a simple technique that can be very helpful – a Thought Record. This is a way of slowing down and mindfully looking at a situation. Writing down the facts along with our automatic thoughts and feelings gives a reality check that allows us to come up with a more balanced thought or belief. Give it a try.
Here are the steps:
- What is the situation? Just the facts. Who, What, When, Where, etc.
- Mood: How do you feel? How intense is that feeling from 1-100?
- Automatic Thoughts: What beliefs come up? What am I afraid of? What does this mean about me or the world? What images or memories does it evoke? What are the possible irrational beliefs?
- What is the evidence that supports this idea?
- What is the evidence against this idea?
- Is there an alternative view point that is able to take a balanced perspective of all the evidence? Come from a place of self-compassion and a non-judgmental perspective.
- You can also explore what is the effect of my believing the automatic thought or belief?
- What could be the effect of changing my thinking or how might I feel different?
- Check back in on your mood. How intense is it now on a scale of 1-100? Often times we feel better when we shift our thoughts and perspective.
The more you do this, the easier it gets. It can be a simple and powerful tool to shift our thoughts, moods, and behaviors as well as to gain more understanding about what it is that is really upsetting us. Once we understand the real problem, we can deal with it.
Bowbay Feng, LMFT
510-629-0239
bowbayfeng@gmail.com
www.bowbayfeng.com
The Magic of “What if…”
Are you satisfied with the results of your actions (or lack of actions)?
Consider this cycle:
- You hold certain beliefs, such as “I’m not a person who…” or “I can’t use a calendar.”
- When you think about doing one of those things, you feel apathy or even defiance.
- The unpleasant or negative feelings lead to avoiding actions that would have furthered you towards a goal.
- You don’t like the results you do get and possibly feel a bit of self-recrimination.
The results become evidence and the cycle continues.
Beliefs lead to thoughts which bring about feelings that influence behaviors and consequently results.
When you repeatedly get results that do not support your goals or your happiness it’s time to stop and consider what could be in the way. What if you interrupt the “I’ll do that later…” or “It’s too hard…” or any other sad excuse? What if you notice when you have a thought that is likely to interfere with an intended action? What if you reflect on how you’ll feel later if you avoid following through with your intention? What if you disregard the excuses and take the intended action anyway?
What if you give yourself the chance to do more of what you say you want for yourself and be more of who you say you want to be?
If you want different results, then you need different actions. Different actions require different feelings, and different feelings need different beliefs. So, when you hear yourself thinking “I’m not …” STOP.
You are, you can, and you will.
Are you the driver or the passenger?
You know how when you're in a car riding “shotgun” and the driver’s going dangerously fast, you press your foot against the floor really hard as if there was a brake pedal there?
When someone else has the controls you’re along for the ride. If the driver makes a risky move, there’s not much you can do.
How is this relevant to your life? Well, let’s talk about “locus of control.”
If you feel you have no control over the events in your life, in psychological terms that would be called having an external locus of control. When things don’t go as you wish, you might blame bad luck, injustice, or even “Mercury in Retrograde.” On the other hand, with an internal locus of control you feel that you, yourself, are responsible for outcomes. And if not the outcome itself, your response to it. Think of it as responsibility.
Even when you have specific goals and well-thought out plans things may not work out as you intend. Perhaps you had some internal obstacles you couldn’t foresee…not your fault. Or there was some sort of glitch that interfered when you were just tooling along perfectly, like road work that caused a detour and added minutes to your journey. Again, no one to blame. The road workers hadn’t come up with an elaborate plan just to frustrate you.
Life doesn’t always seem to comply with our wishes and our best intentions often go astray. These times are opportunities. Use them as lessons to either prevent similar future problems that might arise in the future, or to practice letting go of expectations and focusing on all the things that are right in your life.
What's Your Story?
When I was studying to be a coach, I was introduced to a book called, Taming Your Gremlin.
No, it is not a manual for those who have mythological pets. Rather it addresses all of us who have that voice in our head that says things like, “you can’t…,” “you’re not…,” or “you should.” Despite the fact that the voice is likely disparaging, we have a tendency to listen and believe what it says. We are believing that story as if it were fact.
Belief. That is the key here.
You may have heard the quote by Henry Ford that goes, “whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.” Fortunately, because we have the ability to learn and change we can change our beliefs. We can create new “mindsets.” Our mindsets are beliefs that determine how we deal with life and make choices.
Do you feel like your brain is holding you back? Or, maybe, it’s not that obvious. Have you ever felt like no matter what you cannot get past this certain place? That is still your mindset – that little voice telling you that you cannot do better. If you want to make changes in limiting mindsets, the first step is to recognize that there is a self-limiting story that’s running the show. The next step is to consider re-writing the story.
Yes. You can do it. It takes practice to get the new story to take hold but it’s worth it. For example if you have a story that you “have to” do something and you find yourself resisting, try thinking that you “get to” do it. Or when you hear yourself thinking “I failed miserably with…” how about thinking, “I learned what works and what doesn’t so I can do things differently the next time.”
On the other hand, “Argue for your limitations and sure enough they’re yours.” Said Richard Bach in Jonathan Livingston Seagull. You’re so much better than that.
Why play small when you can fly?